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[ website | Are we compatible? ]
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[30 Apr 2003|11:19pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

*drags soap box out into middle of room* *steps up carefully* *clears my throat*


*clears my throat again* *steps off the soap box* *pushes it to the side*

Please return to your regularly scheduled updates.

1 comment|post comment

Hm. [12 Jan 2003|07:33pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

You know, in all the RP communities I'm in, in the disclaimer it says the same thing. "Don't take things IC, OOC."

Meaning, don't take "in character" things, "out of character."

You read that part and nod your head and say, hm, simple enough.

But it's not that simple.

When someone says something bad about your character and it wasn't planned into your plot and you know nothing about it, you take it ooc. No matter what. You can bullshit and pretend you don't but you do.

Whether you mean it to be or not, your character is an extension of you. So when someone doesn't like your character, you take it as them not liking you.

Does the person mean it that way?

Probably not. But it's just the way you take it.

And that's when you get defensive. You get defensive and you try to defend your character which only makes things worse because you get into IC fights when you really should have just ignored it.

Everyone wants their character liked. The only people who don't are the people who create the character on the soul purpose of making them evil.

I am one of the sensitive ones. I can't stand for people to not like my character. It's not fun to RP when everyone hates your character and just wishes you would go away and shut up. It's not a nice feeling. And it just seems to be I'm more sensitive when the comments made towards my character are comments made by a friend of mine ooc. I know they don't mean it ooc, but it's how I take it. I can't help that.

And it's what I hate and love most about RPing. You can go through so many emotions on an RP alone.

You can be happy because your character is happy, you can be emotional, you can be heartbreaking, you can be anything your character is. And on those days when you just want to screw the world, sometimes your character is your only sanity.

But on those days where you're fighting with everyone trying to justify a plot, and trying to make people understand your motives, those are the days I hate. When your character's depressed, so are you. So when you're character's upset at something someone said, so are you.

Everyone says, "it's just a game." And it is. But they don't finish that sentence. It's a game, that becomes your life. The plots aren't real, and highly unlikely. Which is partly why most stuff should be overlooked and people shouldn't even waste a comment on it, but they do. And those are the days, where you feel like deleting every single one of your characters until the next few days you have a better day on your character.

And who knows, I could be talking out of my neck about all of this but this is how I perceive it. I could be wrong, and I could be right. Who's to say?

Nevertheless, I said it.

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[12 Jan 2003|04:28pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

*chants to self* It's just a character...it was in character, not out....it's not a comment towards you but to the character...he didn't mean it in character...it's just a character...don't comment....

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Okie dokie [25 Dec 2002|08:33pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

Wow, I guess I'm long overdue for an update.

First let me start off by saying Merry Christmas!!

Well, a lot has happened in these last few days. My mom called me up to her room the other day and asked me what I plan to major in when I start college in the fall b/c my aunt asked her and she didn't know. So I told her, I'm double majoring in dance and dance education.

We talked for a few minutes and she asked me if that's what I wanted to do and I said that my hopes were to break into the business and not have to teach dance. But if I didn't make it, teaching is my back up. So we talked for a few more minutes and we agreed that if I was going to try to make it, that I needed to either move to Atlanta, GA, LA, or NY. Because there's absolutely nothing in NC.

So I came back to the computer and I was talking to Justin about it and he agreed with my mom. So when I told him the places he immediately said NY. His reasons were that I could see him (he has an apartment in NY) and that I could see Rissa. So I asked him about the jobs there and he explained there were a lot of jobs open. He should know, after all his boyfriend is a dancer. *laughs* Plus there's the job opening for Wade Robson's dance assistant in LA if I decide to go there. I was offered the job before but alas my parents didn't want me to take it yet. But I digress. So we were talking and I said that I probably should start saving now because I'd hate to move to NY without a place to live and he said exactly what I thought he would.

"You can live with me!"

I thought he was joking so I was like "haha yeah" and we were talking about what it'd be like. So the next day I was telling my mom about what Justin said and instead of her reacting the way I thought she would, she said "I think that's a great idea. Go for it!" And I just gave her this dumb founded look and said "what?" and she said "Out of everyone I could pick for you to live with when you move to NY, it'd be him." She went on to explain that she'd know that he'd look out for me and that he'd keep me away from the sharks out there and it completely floored me. I had no idea she trusted him that much.

So I told Justin and he thought that was great. But all the while I'm still thinking that he's just joking until Dai gets on and tells me that Justin had told him. Apparently Justin was really serious about it. I think it'd be fun to live with Justin and I do know that he'd look out for me. However, my dad is one of those types who thinks that men and women shouldn't live together unless they're married. So we just decided we're gonna call Justin, Justina. *wink*

But I have 4 years until I'll actually be looking to move so I have time to change my mind or come up with another solution, or still be gung ho about it.

As for Christmas, It was pretty great. I got everything I wanted, minus a few things here and there but that's ok because I got Christmas money to spend. *wink* Plus I got a pet sitting job this whole entire week and that's about $50 right there. So yes, it's been great. I've been relishing in my home time and the fact that It's been reminding me of those nights when I would talk to Justin for hours on end and go to bed at an insane time every night. So far, the winner of that time happened just recently at 6:30 am. Heh.

So anyways, I'm off to go watch a movie. Happy Holidays everyone!

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[20 Nov 2002|05:24pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I was asked to post this so I will. The users andreuh and 1986rerun have been taking icons from slaveforujc and claiming them as their own. They are not. I have gotten many icons from slaveforujc and not andreuh or mmmarvelous.

Stop stealing!

That is all.

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[10 Nov 2002|09:51am]
[ mood | amused ]

What's YOUR Writing Style?

brought to you by Quizilla

1 comment|post comment

[07 Nov 2002|09:43pm]
[ mood | amused ]

okay, that's it, enough with the 'boner jokes. even if you do have the most sick mind in the whole band (and, in fact, you're the one who makes most of the 'boner jokes). however, you're also a generally nice person and much fun to be around.
Which band instrument are you? by Megan
Take the quiz here!

For the most part I agree with that. *laughs*
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[05 Nov 2002|09:36pm]
[ mood | content ]

Which O-town Member Are You Most Common With?

brought to you by Quizilla

Well of course I'd have things in common with my future husband. Duh. *wink*

1 comment|post comment

[31 Oct 2002|09:11pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Ok new story! It's a little short story just cuz it was in my head. *smiles* Enjoy!

Fic by Jade

He stood there staring quietly at her. She wept silently and clung to his hand. She refused to meet his eyes, thinking that if she looked at him, she'd cry harder. She kept wishing it didn't have to be like this. It wasn't like this was the last time she was going to see him...but tell her heart that.

"Look at me." He spoke softly as if not wanting to scare her.

She sniffled and then raised her eyes to meet his. His stare softened as he cupped her cheek with his other hand. He had planned to say something to her. Anything heartfelt. But the raw emotion he saw in her eyes made him forget all words. This was hard for him. Probably more so than her. But he wanted to be her rock. He wanted to be the comforter for her to lean on. Somehow he couldn't do that, realizing that tomorrow she wouldn't be in his arms. He wouldn't wake up to her soft breathing and he couldn't hold her hand when he felt like it. She'd go back to being a screen name on a computer. And that thought, was a little unbearable.

This weekend had been one of the best of his life. But she had school tomorrow and he had promotions to do. That all seemed irrelevant as he searched for words to say.

He had replayed this scene a thousand times in his head. He had known exactly what he wanted to say, but now.... if he could talk through the lump in his throat it'd be a miracle. He knew she'd react this way. He knew her better than anyone. But seeing her torn expression first hand, was something else.

He sighed heavily and looked around the empty hotel room. He was saying good-bye to her here rather than at the airport. Saying an emotional good-bye wasn't exactly something he wanted to share with strangers.

He sighed once again and took her other hand in his.

"I'll see you again." He said simply.

She nodded slowly.

"I'll fly you up another weekend."

She nodded again, sniffling quietly.

He sighed impatiently and bit his lip.

"I don't know what to say to you."

"Then don't say anything."

"But I feel like I should. You know, something more than just-"

"Just what?" She asked, raising her eyes to his once again.

He sighed slowly.

"More than just that I don't want you to go."

She sighed this time and stepped closer to him. She rested her forehead against his chest. If she was trying to make him be just as emotional as she was, it was working. He had known this was going to be difficult but at the moment the imagery of the situation didn't compare.

"I need to let you go." He whispered as his hands held hers tighter.

"Then let me go." She replied softly.

"I can't damn it."

She chuckled sadly. "I know the feeling."

"I just got you...do I really have to give you up so soon?"

She nodded against his chest. "Yes. For some horrible unfair reason, I have to leave."

He dipped his head down until his lips were level with her ear. In a childish tone he whispered, "Can I keep you?"

She smiled and raised her head to look at him. "But what good is an Angel if she can't go back to heaven?"

He smiled slightly. "Good point."

She smiled up at him, trying her best to look anything other than miserable. Unfortunately, he saw right through it. He dipped his head again and settled his lips on hers for a short kiss. He pulled back and rested his forehead on hers.

To anyone observing it would have looked like a couple saying good-bye. But that was not the case. They weren't dating. Probably never would. All they shared was a friendship. A friendship that no one else understood but them. There were just as affectionate as a couple but it didn't mean the same things it would have to a couple. A simple kiss meant that they were there for each other. Holding hands was more of a device to make sure one didn't leave the others side, rather than an "I like you." They meant a lot to each other and defining why and how was as if defining just why it is the sky is blue.

He released her hands from his, only to pull her into him for a tight hug. She wrapped her arms around his waist, and sniffled again. She was trying so hard not to appear as an emotional wreck but it looked like she wasn't doing a very good job.

She pulled back slowly. "We probably shouldn't prolong this."

He nodded. "I know. You're right."

She looked down and back up at him. Summoning up whatever courage she had left she smiled at him. "Good-bye."

He smiled slightly. "Bye."

She turned and walked quickly out of the door before she felt the urge to run back to him. He watched her go with a heavy heart. He stood up and walked to the doorway and watched her fleeting form. He sniffled himself and said barely above a whisper,


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[27 Oct 2002|12:40pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Time for an update I suppose.

Well Guard had our last MB competition last night. And I was honestly too happy to be sad. I'm really glad that it's over. I know that's kinda bad to say but yes, so glad. Our last performance of the season is this friday. It's a football game so yes. Then after that we have 2 parades and then the banquet. I just have this bad feeling I'm going to cry at the banquet. I hate crying in public. Blah.

Anyways, at the competition yesterday, I saw some people that I haven't seen since I was like 9. They all went to my elementary school but I didn't go to the same middle school and high school with them. I went to a different one, so to see them all yesterday was just...wow. And this guys named Chris, (yes another Chris lol) he went to my elementary school and he was a pretty cool kid and I saw his sister yesterday and she said that she remembered Chris talking about me and that he loved me to death. That was a change cuz I honestly thought I annoyed him lol. She said that he was supposed to have come but had to work and would be mad that he had missed me. So I plan to e-mail my friend Jenny, who's in the band with Leslie, (Chris' sister) and get Chris' e-mail address. I haven't talked to him in a while so it'd be nice.

I haven't really talked to Justin in a while. I mean I talked to him just not, talked to him. I miss that. Our random conversations. I guess it just kinda makes me sad because I know that next year I won't reallly have time for a lot of stuff cuz it'll be my first year in college but I guess it's good that I prepare for it now huh? I don't do good at missing people. I hate it. *sighs* Oh well.

I've come to a conclusion. I'm going to stop thinking of Jerren as something other than a friend cuz it's not gonna happen. And I've noticed that he's very church based. So am I but he doesn't really curse and I feel like I'd have to bite my tongue and not curse so much around him but ya know, that's not me. I don't want to have to change for anyone no matter how much I like them. I want to be me, and I will be. So I'm taking a different road. I'm tried of looking for a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just meant to stay single. Blah.

Ok I'm going to go eat cuz I'm hungry. Bye bye.

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Better update [18 Oct 2002|10:46am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Yesterday, I knew that Matt was coming to practice because I was basically the one that set it up. So during practice I'm just anticipating him being there. Guard was split from the band so we were going over work. I'm just absently looking around waiting for Shannon to start this one part and I look over towards the steps and I see Matt running across the field and towards the front of the band.

I tried not to smile but, was unsuccessful. The guard girls already think that I'm hung up on Matt so that just fueled the fire.

I look over again and I see Imani standing there and immediately I felt better. Two of my favorite people were there. All was good.

Later on Mr. Hunter calls over to Shannon and tells her that they're gonna do a run through and asks if we want to join in. The show is 8 1/2 min long and we had just run it about 20 min before. So Shannon shakes her head and told him we'd join in later. I said "Good...cuz just...no." and behind me, Sheena says, "Yeah I know why you don't want to run through it right now.." with this big "I know your secret" grin. I rolled my eyes and said "It has nothing to do with him. The show is long." and she just nodded and went, "Uh-huh.."

*rolls eyes*

So anyways, later on we join in with the band and it was kinda nerve wracking. To have Matt and Imani watching, I wanted to do good. And I did. *laughs*

So before I grab all my stuff, I go over and talk to Imani for a bit and then I look up at Matt on the scafolding and I said, "Vepraskas. Down." and he just shook his head slightly and held up a finger cuz Mr. Hunter was talking to him.

So then he climbs down the scafolding and I'm standing in front of him with my hands on my hips and I say, "You might want to move your sunglasses." Because they were hanging on his sweatshirt. So he moves them and I jumped on him. So while I was on him he asked me how I was and I said good. That was when I noticed all of the guard girls staring us and giggling to each other. Greeeaaaat. I'll have to hear about that later.

So I got down and after that it was just nice little hanging time. And right before he left to talk to Mr. Hunter, he said good-bye to all of us and I got my really good hug in. I had missed that ya know? Getting my Matt hug when I felt blah. So he told me that he'd let me know when he'd be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas so that we could all go out. And then this is how the convo went from there starting with Matt:

"You know I'm not coming home this summer right?"


"Because I'm moving to Virginia."

"Are you kidding me?"


"Maaaatt. This will be my last summer before I go to Greensboro!"

"You can come visit! I'll have an apartment so yeah. You can come."

So that's what I plan to do. *nods* Me and Imani are going to go stay with Matt for a weekend this summer. Yes. *laughs* Perhaps that's just my imagination getting the best of me. *laughs*

I'm home today because my back and knee hurt and I need for it to be better by tomorrow for the marching band competition and I didn't think walking around Enloe's campus would help that. So yeah. Hopefully Imani's spending the night tonight. That would be fabulous.

Ok i'm going to go eat now. Bye bye.

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[17 Oct 2002|10:03pm]
[ mood | tired ]

So today I saw Matt for the first time in 4 months. It was so great to see him. I missed smacking him. *laughs* I got my Matt hug so it's all good.

Although he told me that he's not coming home this summer cuz he's moving to Virginia. I don't like that. At all. *laughs* But it's ok. He said I could come visit. I might have to one weekend with Imani. Fun stuff.

ROAD TRIP!! *laughs*

Ok I'm going now. Bye all!

Better update tomorrow.

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One comment about Justin's new video [09 Sep 2002|06:48pm]
[ mood | horny ]


That is all.

1 comment|post comment

Alrighty... [23 Aug 2002|05:45pm]
My Romance Meter
Optimist 65%
35% Cynic
Close 68%
32% Distant
Long Term 56%
44% Brief
What does my romance meter read?

My Favorite Male Part Is:

The Arm: Strong and protective.

Good for slave labour too...

Find out your favorite male body part!
1 comment|post comment

[18 Aug 2002|04:22am]
[ mood | tired ]

I suppose an update is in order huh? Basically I just have some things that I want to comment on first. So here goes.

To Rissa and Josh, I said that I'd stay out of it and I intend to. If it's over fine. If it's not, then fine too. I won't give my opinion because that would be not staying out of it. If there's a wedding in 2006 then give me a call.

To Imani, when is this dance? lol I go to the school and I don't even know. But if you're going then you know that I'm gonna go. *nods* Because what's a dance without the both of us?

Ok those are my comments. Now on to a rambley update.

Well for those of you who don't know, I've had my eye set on Jarren for quite some time now. If only I could get up the courage to ask him out or just to be up front with him. But I'm just not the one to make the first move. My whole thing with Justin (Jay) proves that. Justin told me that I should just tell Jarren and I said something about him talking to another girl and that if that were the case then Jarren would have to choose and guys don't generally pick me. I'm assuming he smiled because he paused for a moment then said,

"I'd pick you."

I paused as well and then said, "But you didn't."

I had to remind him what I meant. "I love you both equally." *looks down* But what did I really expect? I look back on that and wonder. Did I honestly expect him to leave his girlfriend of 2 years for a 15 year old? Of course not. Doesn't mean it felt any better. Someone asked me the other day how I feel about Justin now. And it was so hard to sum it up in a few sentences. I've been through a lot with him and am still going through a lot with him. I can be completely pissed off at him and want him to just go away and then he'll come around and say sorry and just like that, he's forgiven. Either I'm too forgiving or I'm too forgiving when it comes to him. There have been some times where he's really hurt me and he just utters sorry one time, and it's over with. Does that mean that the thing he did doesn't bother me anymore? No. It just means it gets bottled up and is never spoken about again like a lot of other stuff. I have a bad habit of doing that. I hold everything in until I just can't anymore and it comes spilling out to him making him feel more worse than it would have if I had just told him from the get go.

I sometimes go back and read conversations that I have stashed in my room. From when I was 15, foolish, naive, and hopelessly in love. I don't really feel silly looking back on it because I don't really think I'd take back the experience. I learned so much from it. And sometimes when I feel like there's no one there for me, I go and read those conversations. Why? I don't know. I guess to remind myself that there is a person who cares about me. He might not always show it but the moment I start to doubt it, I am promptly reminded.

*smiles to self* Wow. I really was in love with him. I mean I was really head over heels. And somehow, it never really mattered to me that he wasn't with me. I mean it mattered, just not as much as I guess it should have. He was pretty much there in all of the aspects that I needed him so I saw no need for him to be with me. It wouldn't have worked anyways....hm, ok sorry, this update turned into me talking about Justin. lol. Back to Jarren.

Anyways, I'm trying to work things out with Jarren and whatnot. Only problem is, my ex-boyfriend who I haven't talked to in 4 years by the way, wants me back.

*makes a confused face*

I broke up with him when I was in 7th grade and he was in 8th. I'm now a senior and he's a freshman in college. After he graduated middle school, I stopped talking to him. So can someone please tell me why the hell he's calling me and telling me he misses me? Like I'm supposed to melt into that and give in. It's not gonna work. Been there, done that, what the hell is he thinking? I've been ignoring his calls. He tells me to call him back and I go "Ok." and never do. Might be mean but whatever. He was an ass when we out and he claims he's changed but I've heard all that before. I've heard the lines that if I really liked him would mean something to me. But since I don't, they're just that. Lines. Lines that I see right through.

Alright well this update seems really long so I do believe I'm going to go now. I'm going to bed. Night!

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As always [10 Jul 2002|07:13am]
[ mood | confused ]

Once again I'm in trouble with my parents. As always. I got caught online last night and recieved more verbal abuse. I'm getting really tired of crying myself to sleep. I hate crying so when I do, it makes me feel worse. Ugh. I want to get out of this cycle. And ya know, the whole time I was crying last night, the only thing I could think about was "I wonder if Jay knows I'm crying?" Hm. In a way I wanted him to feel that I was. Because to me it seems that lately we haven't been as connected as usual. He seems distant to me. I don't know maybe I'm being paranoid but it kinda feels like he's drifting away from me. And I just feel like I'm clinging when I shouldn't be. I hate thinking like this because I don't know the answer to it. I don't want him to read this and think I'm trying to make him feel bad because I'm not. I'm just saying what I'm thinking. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore. I want the pain to go away. I want the longing to stop and I'm not quite sure how to make it go away. *sighs* I just...I don't know.

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Got this from Rissa [07 Jul 2002|04:20pm]
[ mood | amused ]

*10 Groups You've Seen Live*
-*NSYNC <--- And that's it. Yeah I really need to get out more. *dies*

*09 Things You're Looking Forward To*
-My Senior portraits this friday.
-My family reunion next week.
-The start of Band camp.
-The first day of school.
-Telling everyone at my family reunion that I'll be a senior this year.
-Going to the hairstylist to layer my hair.
-Seeing Rissa again.
-Seeing all of my brothers again. Including the ones I haven't seen before.
-Seeing Jay.

*08 Things You Wear Daily*
-Pants, shorts, skirt, capris <-- one of those. Depends on what I feel like.
-sandalls, sneaker <-- one or the other
-ear rings
-necklace <-- it alternates. which ever one matches what I'm wearing.

*07 Things That Annoy You*
-My Dad <-- most of the time
-My Mom <-- sometimes
-The people in my summer school class
-How long it takes me to get home
-My band director
-Every girl that has a problem with me but can't justify why they do.

*06 Things You Touch Every Day*
-my bed
-the faucet in my bathroom
-CD player
-my hair
-my tv remote
-the fridge door

*05 Things You Do Every Day*
-Go online
-Take A Shower

*04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With*

*03 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over*
-Notting Hill
-Coyote Ugly
-Center Stage

*02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment*
-I Showed Her by O-Town <-- DAN *SWOON*
-My Dad's Gone Crazy by Eminem <-- don't ask. *dies*

*01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With*
- Do I really have to answer this question? I'm pretty sure you all know who I would put anyways. If you don't well then tough. lol.

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Updatedness [03 Jul 2002|06:12pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

8 days.

That's how long it's been since I last talked to Jay. Ya know, in my mind that's like an eternity. I'm like going out of my mind. I find that I don't really have a lot of patience these few days. Sad to say that when I don't talk to Jay my patience goes away. *sighs* *whines* I wanna talk to him! lol.

I talked to Josh and I told him about the John Mayer concert in Cary on the 7th of Sept. He was actually looking at flights so I dunno, maybe he'll actually come to see it with me lol. And if not, I'm making Imani go.

My senior portraits are next friday! Woo! That means I'm going shopping on saturday for outfits. Fun stuff. I can't wait to actually take them. I've never done a photo session like that so it should be fun. 3-4 outfit changes. Woo fun stuff.

I'm so looking forward to the incoming marching band season. Not just cuz I'm captain but because we should have a really good show. And not just cuz I have 2 solos, cuz that's kinda irrelevant. I think. lol. No i'm kidding. I just love the creative process of it all coming together. I know the ideas Shannon has but I can't wait to see her put them together. Plus the fact that for the competition we have in Tennessee, it's possible that Dai, Jay, and Josh might all go lol. That's another thing. But we'll see how things work out.

As for tonight...I dunno. I don't really have anything planned. Well except for a plot I have to play out on roleplay. Fun stuff. Alright I'm gonna go now. Peace.

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JUMPIN JUHOSAFATS! [28 Jun 2002|01:12pm]
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Second [21 Jun 2002|03:21am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

More to the story if you want a recap scroll down to the past entry of Second...Collapse )

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